The Great Outdoors

I am sprawled on a riverbank in the pouring rain, face down in the dirt. Hundreds of buzzing black flies swarm me. They burrow into my hair, bite my hands, crawl up my shirt. This has been going on for hours. I have resigned myself to waiting patiently for the end to come.

No, I am not the victim of a serial killer. Although given the circumstances, death has become a more attractive alternative.

Let’s rewind.

The Beginning

When we met, he told me that he “loved the outdoors.” I replied enthusiastically, “So do I!” We smiled. We’d made a connection.

In retrospect, I could have been more clear about what I meant by “loving the outdoors.”

Yes, I loved the outdoors—under very specific conditions.

It had to be sunny. Temperature between 64 and 72 degrees. Wind under 10 miles an hour. And below 50% humidity.

In my hometown of Rochester, New York, this criteria narrowed my time outdoors to about 4 days of the year.

Those days when I was able to tolerate it outside, I preferred to assume a prone position. Such as on a chaise lounge by the pool, enjoying a cocktail. Or on a chaise lounge on the patio, enjoying a book. Or on a chaise lounge in the yard, enjoying a nap.

So I suspected he might be a little more outdoorsy than I was. But I thought about how I always sort of wanted to be that granola girl in her Subaru who’d pass me on the Thruway with the wind in her hair, her brightly colored kayak on the roof rack, and an ADK sticker on the back.

How hard could it be to learn to be outdoorsy, right?

Ha ha ha ha.

Summer

As our relationship progressed and the warm weather neared, we decided to go on a vacation together. He said, “There are so many great places to go. There’s the wilderness of Maine, the wilderness of the Adirondacks, the wilderness of Central Canada, or the wilderness of British Columbia.”

I said, “How about L.A., Chicago, or New York City?”

So when we arrived in the most remote part of British Columbia, first thing on the agenda, of course, was going for a hike. As we disembarked from our vehicle, I was alarmed to come upon a big sign with warnings about bears. Not just black bears. Grizzly bears. This sent me into a reeling panic. I’d seen the documentary Grizzly Man and it had really stuck with me, especially all the screaming at the end.

He said reassuringly, “Don’t worry. We just have to make a lot of noise to keep them away. And we have to avoid berry bushes, where they feed. I have bear repellent, too.”

Bear repellent? I didn’t know there was such a thing. The guy in the Grizzly Man documentary sure could have used some. Maybe he didn’t know about it. Anyway, WE had some bear repellent, and that was quite a relief.

Midway through the hike, he handed me the bear repellent. It looked like a small, white fire extinguisher.

I said, “So, I just spray this all over myself, like bug spray, right?”

He laughed. “No, goofy. Read the instructions.”

They read:

WAIT UNTIL BEAR IS WITHIN TEN FEET. SPRAY REPELLENT DIRECTLY AT THE BEAR. BEAR WILL APPROACH VERY QUICKLY. DO NOT RUN AWAY. THE BEAR WILL CHASE YOU.

Ha ha ha ha.

Fall

He said, “How about we get away for a while?” I said, “Sure!”

He said, “How about the mountains?”

I said, “How about Boston?”

So when we got to the cabin in the woods, I settled in to read a book and look at the pond, but was soon plopped into a boat. We ended up spending the entire time hiking and fishing. The days seemed to last forever.

But then one day, he said, “Let’s go to the ‘Lodge.’” I couldn’t believe it. He was actually going to take me to civilization! A restaurant, and probably a gift shop! I was psyched. I dressed up.

As we disembarked from the vehicle, I was surprised to see that we were at the foot of a mountain. We hiked up the trail to what I thought would be the gift shop. The trail went on an awfully long time and got steeper and steeper. I didn’t get to see much of nature’s beauty, as I was unable to look up from watching my feet. It was a challenge to remain upright amongst all the precarious tree roots and rocks. I was sweating through my dress clothes.

A couple hours later, just when I didn’t think I could walk any further, we reached the top of the mountain. We were standing in the middle of a beautiful meadow.

I asked, “Where’s the Gift Shop?”

He responded, “What Gift Shop?”

I frowned. “You said we were going to the Lodge. I thought that was a gift shop. That’s why I am dressed like this, with a nice blouse and jewelry on and my hair done.”

He laughed and said, “No, this mountain trail is called ‘The Loj.’ L-O-J, pronounced ‘Lodge’. This is just a mountain.”

Ha ha ha ha.

Winter

I thought I might be safe from the outdoors during the winter. Who goes outdoors on purpose in the winter in upstate New York?

One day, he said, “How about we go on a winter hike?”

I said, “How about we go to the movies?”

So we drove south for quite a ways, then pulled into a trailhead parking lot. As we disembarked from the vehicle, I was taken aback to see a steep hill looming above us.

He looked up and observed, “That’s the trail, but looks like it’s a sheet of ice today.” He paused.

I waited for him to say, “So, we’ll have to get in the car and go back home.”

But he continued cheerily, “So, instead, we’ll have to walk alongside the trail in the snow. Watch out, the snow’s pretty deep!”

Ha ha ha ha.

Spring

We decided to go for a long weekend getaway.

I said, “Where should we go?”

He said, “How about fishing?”

I said, “How about the historic city of Savannah, Georgia?”

So when we got to the river, we disembarked from the vehicle, and it began to pour. Black flies immediately attacked us, aggressively trying to bite us and even our vehicle. We put rain jackets and headnets on, and headed off to wade in the river to look for trout.

We made our way down the long, steep hill to the river, losing our balance a few times. We finally reached the riverbank. It had rained a lot, and the water rushed by. The river bottom was covered with big, slippery rocks. I knew there was no way I could keep my balance and try to cast a line. I told him to go ahead and fish as long as he wanted, and I would wait for him. Soon, he was out of sight.

I am sprawled on a riverbank in the pouring rain, face down in the dirt. Hundreds of buzzing black flies swarm me. They burrow into my hair, bite my hands, crawl up my shirt. This has been going on for hours. I have resigned myself to waiting patiently for the end to come.

Ha ha ha ha.